Failure To Launch

Tonight was a night to be remembered. I finally discovered a sort of social life and went to the Irish Pub with a friend of mine from work. Pretty cheap if you ask me too. It was only $4 to get both a Long Island's Iced Tea AND some Whiskey & Coke. Not bad if you ask me. In fact, I was surprised by the pricing. The only downside is the smokeyness of the place and the fact that I now smell like cigs. Blah, oh well...it was good night.

They played Twista's "Celebrity Overnight" and I immediately thought of Jon and his now-famous "Gentlemen Overnight" remix for the kosher crowd of camp. I wanted to bust a move but decided against it since I was having a great conversation with my friend Amanda from work. She thought it was nice that I paid for everything, but I told her that's the way it's supposed to be :)

I've been thinking about many things lately and I seem to favor opening myself up tonight. I know I have issues to deal with in regards to my past and my relationship failures or whatever. At the same time, I feel that I have a serious problem in regards to the relationship area of my life. I have the fear that I will care (or love) for the person I'm interested more than they will care or love me. That's a serious issue with me because I easily trust one person because I give that person the benefit of the doubt and I always expect the best in people (especially Church people). That's why it's been hard for me to deal with people who betray that trust and that belief that I used to have in them. I'll give that trust pretty easily but once I'm crossed the wrong way then you have earned my distrust and my disdain (almost).

I wish people would mean what they say. I wish people could just express the truth in their feelings. I wish people wouldn't think twice or thrice about what they say. If there's anything I ask of you guys...MEAN WHAT YOU SAY, SAY WHAT YOU MEAN. Don't take words or your feelings lightly. If you feel something or are thinking of something then communicate it to someone you trust, a good friend. And when you say something then have it mean something. It bothers me when people seem to lack conviction/firm belief in what they say. It goes back to what I said earlier. I despise flip flopping and the way some have their opinions change in a way that shows a lack of conviction. I may be a lot of things but I do not think people will ever label me as someone lacking passion/conviction for an issue I care about.

I guess I'm hoping that the person I find is just as much into a "relationship" as I am. That quite probably is my biggest fear...caring for someone in a way they are not ready to care for me or in the same manner as I care for them. Oh well, it is part of my life journey and that is something I must overcome or understand. Oh well, I'll call it a night and write more tomorrow. That's right, I'm keeping my blog updated in a deeper sense and more than just once a month or once a week. Ya'll have a good night.