Late night thoughts

I find myself wandering where my next steps will lead me. I struggle to find the ultimate purpose of what I am to achieve in this life. I have been given this vast knowledge of Truth and where we are all supposed to get to but I wonder ow many of us will really make it. I know that by staying the course the reward will be exponentionally greater than my imagination can dream of yet I wonder if I have the courage to continue battling.

It seems as though life is full of factors and variables that one does not think are relevant at certain times. When you least expect it though...BOOM! It hits you like a line drive off the sweet spot of the bat, Albert Pujols style. You know you've heard it before. You overcome an obstacle/sin/problem in your life only to be hit in the face with another seemingly unforseen problem that you have to now overcome.

There are so many unknowns and question marks in my life right now that I get easily annoyed or frustrated when the same questions keep coming up. I mean, if I knew the answers to these questions then I'd proudly and loudly announce them for the whole world to see and hear. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate people's concerns and curiousity but it just adds anxiety and worries when the same questions are repeated day after day, week after week. Hopefully I will figure it out, then I'll announce it and people will be appeased.

I've never been one to appease people. I sometimes say I aim to but in reality I like to prove people wrong. Give me a challenge, tell me I can't do or achieve a certain goal...it is what I have thrived on for the last twenty two years. I also feel like I have lived too long with a chip on my shoulders...a feeling of displacement because I am a stranger in a land that is foreign to me. I don't want to go into a history lesson but there are stark cultural differences that people often mistake as "if it's different, then it must be wrong." That is partly why I become defensive about certain things, because I feel out of place, not included, or simply unwanted.

I would urge some of you that if you are interested in reading a good book to pick up a real thought provoker. Granted, I am not one to read a book for recreational fun but this one will always stand out as a favorite of mine. Esmeralda Santiago's "When I Was Puerto Rican" is an amazing work of art. She describes the dilemma many of us boricuas face when living in the island, moving to the states, visiting/moving back to the island and feeling out of place throughout the entire journey. There are certain issues at play that many don't care to think about, but they are very real. If you care to read it, trust me it will make you think.

The last two weeks have been incredibly hectic. Preparing for the Passover was an event in itself, one that I feel was not up to par with my first Passover. Maybe it was because of the difference between your first and subsequent Passovers, but I know there are other things on the horizon that have kept me stumbling. School has become more and more hectic as I write this very blog. I have a 10 page paper due at 3pm tomorrow for my Immigration History class. Too many things came up that hindered me from writing it sooner but I tend to thrive on pressure.

I've got the broad shoulders to take the extra weight on and try to carry myself through anything but my body is breaking down. I can't keep relying on my own strength to get through life. I need to work on my dependence on God yet I find it hard to do sometimes because I dislike depending on other people for anything. Too many time I've been let down or hurt but I know God won't do that to me because He's always been there. If I could only program myself to go to Him first and foremost every single time I know that would produce a profound difference. Not much makes sense this early in the morning but at the same time, this is when I do my best thinking.

Feast is looking like an interesting proposition. I find myself torn between going somewhere where all my friends will be there or just escaping the almost fake world that scenario creates. The past and the memories remind me all too often of last year's lows and I cannot relive that same experience. In a sense, last year's Feast began a personal downfall of sorts even though that is a contradiction when you think of what the purpose of the Feast is. What do you do in this situation?

Enough of my ranting...I have a paper to finish and blogging does not help get it written in time for class.