Late night thoughts

I find myself wandering where my next steps will lead me. I struggle to find the ultimate purpose of what I am to achieve in this life. I have been given this vast knowledge of Truth and where we are all supposed to get to but I wonder ow many of us will really make it. I know that by staying the course the reward will be exponentionally greater than my imagination can dream of yet I wonder if I have the courage to continue battling.

It seems as though life is full of factors and variables that one does not think are relevant at certain times. When you least expect it though...BOOM! It hits you like a line drive off the sweet spot of the bat, Albert Pujols style. You know you've heard it before. You overcome an obstacle/sin/problem in your life only to be hit in the face with another seemingly unforseen problem that you have to now overcome.

There are so many unknowns and question marks in my life right now that I get easily annoyed or frustrated when the same questions keep coming up. I mean, if I knew the answers to these questions then I'd proudly and loudly announce them for the whole world to see and hear. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate people's concerns and curiousity but it just adds anxiety and worries when the same questions are repeated day after day, week after week. Hopefully I will figure it out, then I'll announce it and people will be appeased.

I've never been one to appease people. I sometimes say I aim to but in reality I like to prove people wrong. Give me a challenge, tell me I can't do or achieve a certain goal...it is what I have thrived on for the last twenty two years. I also feel like I have lived too long with a chip on my shoulders...a feeling of displacement because I am a stranger in a land that is foreign to me. I don't want to go into a history lesson but there are stark cultural differences that people often mistake as "if it's different, then it must be wrong." That is partly why I become defensive about certain things, because I feel out of place, not included, or simply unwanted.

I would urge some of you that if you are interested in reading a good book to pick up a real thought provoker. Granted, I am not one to read a book for recreational fun but this one will always stand out as a favorite of mine. Esmeralda Santiago's "When I Was Puerto Rican" is an amazing work of art. She describes the dilemma many of us boricuas face when living in the island, moving to the states, visiting/moving back to the island and feeling out of place throughout the entire journey. There are certain issues at play that many don't care to think about, but they are very real. If you care to read it, trust me it will make you think.

The last two weeks have been incredibly hectic. Preparing for the Passover was an event in itself, one that I feel was not up to par with my first Passover. Maybe it was because of the difference between your first and subsequent Passovers, but I know there are other things on the horizon that have kept me stumbling. School has become more and more hectic as I write this very blog. I have a 10 page paper due at 3pm tomorrow for my Immigration History class. Too many things came up that hindered me from writing it sooner but I tend to thrive on pressure.

I've got the broad shoulders to take the extra weight on and try to carry myself through anything but my body is breaking down. I can't keep relying on my own strength to get through life. I need to work on my dependence on God yet I find it hard to do sometimes because I dislike depending on other people for anything. Too many time I've been let down or hurt but I know God won't do that to me because He's always been there. If I could only program myself to go to Him first and foremost every single time I know that would produce a profound difference. Not much makes sense this early in the morning but at the same time, this is when I do my best thinking.

Feast is looking like an interesting proposition. I find myself torn between going somewhere where all my friends will be there or just escaping the almost fake world that scenario creates. The past and the memories remind me all too often of last year's lows and I cannot relive that same experience. In a sense, last year's Feast began a personal downfall of sorts even though that is a contradiction when you think of what the purpose of the Feast is. What do you do in this situation?

Enough of my ranting...I have a paper to finish and blogging does not help get it written in time for class.

Priceless

Stealing a cue from Annette's "Memory of the Moment" I had to quit my lackadaisical studying for this post. This memory is from earlier this week when I was talking to my Grandma on the phone and she mentioned how I should not be driving a lot because "la gasolina está cara." Gasolina is Spanish for gas and as she says this to me I can hear my Mom singing the chorus the Daddy Yankee's "Gasolina" in our typical pop culture/hip hop/reggaeton ways. I had always wondered where I got my uncanny ability to relate one word to a specific song or artist and after many years of wondering I have found out that it comes from my own MOTHER and GRANDMOTHER. Yep, two of the coolest ladies ever! :)

Why'd you go and make things so complicated?

I appreciate the comments from everyone on my last post. I think it is the post that has garnered the most response since last summer (after my Grant Hill experience). I would like to type more on this and other subjects, but unfortunately I have an astronomy midterm staring me in the face. How is it possible that I can wait until 2am for the serious studying to begin? And I am possibly going to take a nap beforehand because I am so tired. This does not bode well for a test that I have to take at 6:30pm. :(

Useless! A part of me wants to not care about this midterm but the "panicky" student in me is saying to cram as much as I can and pull off another good grade for this semester. It shall be a long night/morning indeed. I can't skip out on my journalism class because the prof might give a surprise quiz and I already missed one this semester so there goes my freebie "lowest score" one. Blah...life cannot get any suckier for me this week.

Fortunately though Thursday night is looking like a dandy of a night. One of my friends from work is playing a gig with his band at night. I think his band starts playing at around 11ish and I'm hoping the night includes some awesome music and cheap drinks. I'm celebrating after the drubbing my brain will take from astronomy...

Failure To Launch

Tonight was a night to be remembered. I finally discovered a sort of social life and went to the Irish Pub with a friend of mine from work. Pretty cheap if you ask me too. It was only $4 to get both a Long Island's Iced Tea AND some Whiskey & Coke. Not bad if you ask me. In fact, I was surprised by the pricing. The only downside is the smokeyness of the place and the fact that I now smell like cigs. Blah, oh well...it was good night.

They played Twista's "Celebrity Overnight" and I immediately thought of Jon and his now-famous "Gentlemen Overnight" remix for the kosher crowd of camp. I wanted to bust a move but decided against it since I was having a great conversation with my friend Amanda from work. She thought it was nice that I paid for everything, but I told her that's the way it's supposed to be :)

I've been thinking about many things lately and I seem to favor opening myself up tonight. I know I have issues to deal with in regards to my past and my relationship failures or whatever. At the same time, I feel that I have a serious problem in regards to the relationship area of my life. I have the fear that I will care (or love) for the person I'm interested more than they will care or love me. That's a serious issue with me because I easily trust one person because I give that person the benefit of the doubt and I always expect the best in people (especially Church people). That's why it's been hard for me to deal with people who betray that trust and that belief that I used to have in them. I'll give that trust pretty easily but once I'm crossed the wrong way then you have earned my distrust and my disdain (almost).

I wish people would mean what they say. I wish people could just express the truth in their feelings. I wish people wouldn't think twice or thrice about what they say. If there's anything I ask of you guys...MEAN WHAT YOU SAY, SAY WHAT YOU MEAN. Don't take words or your feelings lightly. If you feel something or are thinking of something then communicate it to someone you trust, a good friend. And when you say something then have it mean something. It bothers me when people seem to lack conviction/firm belief in what they say. It goes back to what I said earlier. I despise flip flopping and the way some have their opinions change in a way that shows a lack of conviction. I may be a lot of things but I do not think people will ever label me as someone lacking passion/conviction for an issue I care about.

I guess I'm hoping that the person I find is just as much into a "relationship" as I am. That quite probably is my biggest fear...caring for someone in a way they are not ready to care for me or in the same manner as I care for them. Oh well, it is part of my life journey and that is something I must overcome or understand. Oh well, I'll call it a night and write more tomorrow. That's right, I'm keeping my blog updated in a deeper sense and more than just once a month or once a week. Ya'll have a good night.

Smile big for everyone, even when you know what they've done

I return to the blogging world with peace of mind and thankful to all of you who commented on my last post. I always enjoy receiving and reading comments on my blog mainly because it lets me know who exactly reads my blog. It also is heartwarming to receive words of encouragement from my friends. Thanks again everybody, I love you all.

The past couple of weeks have been pretty amazing, with loads of fun, thinking, analyzing, studying, and laughing involved. My spring break trip was simply amazing. I never went into detail about it but I did get to do more than when I went last year. I got to drive quite a bit on the 401...quite an interesting experience indeed. I got my car stuck in mud, got to push a truck out of the mud, and was able to see and read a bit about important Canadian military history. Yes, much to my amazement there is such a thing in the history of Canada :)

I got to work out and play basketball with a bunch of Asians in the university. According to Kristen about 50%-60% of the students at Waterloo are of Asian descent. I didn't think Canada was home to that many Asian people...I thought the U.S. west coast was the homebase of Asian operations :) There were some spirited basketball games involved. It was surprising to see that much ball-hogging and lack of defense displayed by most of the players. It got me quite irritated and Kristen got to see how intense I become with basketball. She was sitting courtside watching the games and noticed that I became very serious. I have fun when I play but I also become very serious because basketball to me is almost like a religious experience to me. I like the game to be played the right way: move the ball around, make the extra pass, pick a good shot, play defense, rebound, box out...all the little things. The game becomes increasingly frustrating when it is not played efficiently. Oh well, that's enough for my sport rant.

After spending most of the week of March 13-17 in Canada, I made a bee line to one of the best Midwestern cities in history, Gurnee, Illinois. The drive was quite a somber one for many a reasons. I won't get into it but it was a long drive and I spent a lot of it thinking, talking to myself, calling my mom and grandma, and singing along to my music collection. I left early from Waterloo so that I could try and beat Chicago rush hour traffic and I did for the most part. Chicago has a ban on talking on the cell phone while driving and I was stuck staring at the Sears Tower for like 20 minutes talking with Jon. He proceeded to tell me, "don't worry, our cops are more worried about racial profiling than they are about drivers talking on their cell phones." :) Quite possibly one of the best lines he's ever said to me while carrying a conversation. I got to Jon's house at about 4 and we proceeded to chill, talk about my trip, and make plans about the incoming weekend and our eating plans.

I have this uncanny luck to visit the Milwaukee area when they have their game nights focusing on basketball, football, and volleyball. It's quite a blast and we then proceed to eat some late fast food at Taco Bell as the crowning achievement of the night. Jon had told me earlier that they had not had a good debate with Mrs. Diekmeier in quite a while. So of course I told Jon that I would take care of it and provided a good front for about 3 hours. I have to say though that the attack unleashed by Mrs. Diekmeier and Ruthie was vicious but I needed it and I held my own for as long as I could. I tip my hat to both of them :)

The Wisconsin Dells weekend was exactly what I hoped it would be: great messages, great people, friends, fellowship, sleepless nights, and late night food runs. It was the 3rd weekend in a row that I had seen my Milwaukee friends (it seems like I see them more than my own congregation) so that it always a great way to end the week. Desiree, Josh, and Ann described the weekend pretty well so I won't go into more detail about it. I will only urge you that if you see Mark Oliver to have him tell you the story behind the 2am Wendy's run. He is quite possibly the best storyteller in the Church, a great sense of humor and very detailed :)

I've started to realize more and more that I constantly have my mind working on fumes. I do too much thinking for my own good and that influences how my day and rest of the week go. It's good in a sense because remembering things helps me with my history classes. At the same time it doesn't do me any good to dwell on the mistakes of the past that bring guilt and leave a bad taste in my mouth. I was told that everytime I think about a specific past sin what it does is that it makes God remember instead of having him "forget as far as the east is from the west." That gives me something to think about or not think about...whatever the case may be. Let's see where I go from here...